Tell Them Before It's Too Late

Life is long and short, but how often do we get to say goodbye?

Thirty-two years ago, when my family moved back to New Hampshire, my brothers made a new friend. He’s one of the first people I remember in New Hampshire - Alan.

I was ~5 years old. My brothers were 15 & 17. Alan is about a year older than my brother Ragnar, he has a younger brother Kevin who is about a year older than my brother Lars.

I remember Ragnar & Lars and Alan & Kevin (and some of their other friends) playing D&D at our house, along with other tabletop games, and going to live action role-playing events. I remember bugging them to let me play with them, and sometimes they did. I remember a bunch of geeky teenage boys (who I thought were wicked cool) patiently (and sometimes impatiently) explaining the rules of their games and swapping inside jokes I didn’t understand (I do recall a number of Ren & Stimpy and Beavis & Butthead jokes).

My brothers had a number of friends that I remember from those days, and many of whom they’re still friends with to this day, but Alan (and his brother Kevin) has been a constant name for 32 years. I don’t know how many times I’d ask my brothers where they were going as they were leaving the house and the answer was always “I’m heading over to Alan’s”. Alan became a bonus big brother.

One of the things I remember best about Alan in my childhood is his whole family was really, really into Star Wars, and we’d swap trivia and stories all the time. I remember I had a giant poster of Boba Fett on my bedroom wall for years, and I remember once Alan walking past my room, seeing it and nodding approvingly (I thought I’d unlocked some “cool” accomplishment). I think he was the one who explained to me the different elements of Fett’s outfit in the poster, like the braid.

(Another poster on my wall at another time was The Spice Girls and I vaguely remember the boys coming into my room to opine about which one they would prefer to date vs which was prettiest vs which was a better singer.)

I remember seeing the Star Wars special editions and the prequels in theaters as a group, and Alan being there for it (in retrospect I suspect he organized a bunch of those). My brothers and their friends often got a crew together to see the latest Star Wars or Marvel or Watchmen, and I was a decade behind them and feeling very cool every time I got invited to join.

My brothers have incredible friends and I love so many of them, but at any time if you ever asked me who either of my brothers’ best/closest friend was, I think the first name that would pop into my head would be Alan.

I know I was the annoying little sister a lot of the time, but my brothers’ friends all tolerated me hanging on, and Alan was one of the first to treat me like more than just my brothers’ little sister.

We developed our own rapport when I was a preteen/early teenager, when he found out how obsessed I was with Harry Potter and how much I love to write. Alan used to read my fan fiction, show me his (Star Wars & Harry Potter), ask me to edit his for canon or grammar, and gave me my first fan fiction zines.

He’d be genuinely curious about my interests and hobbies, and he was sometimes even more patient with me than my brothers (who had to deal with me ALL the time). I grew to understand Alan’s deadpan/sarcastic humor & the way his face would scrunch up with incredulousness (or a bad roll of the dice).

Over the years, all of us have grown up, life evolves, etc. That group of friends have been through marriages and divorces and kids and things like that and they’ve all been there for each other. I’m so glad my brothers have had Alan throughout their lives - and when Alan’s father passed a few years back I was so happy to see my mother and brothers embrace Alan & Kevin and their mother & the rest of their family so completely. So many of my family’s dinners they sent me pictures with Alan’s family included.

Alan and I have stayed in touch primarily through social media over the years, though we have had a handful of phone calls - I remember him telling me (about 13 years ago) that he was going to be a father. He was so excited. He now has two beautiful little girls (I believe they’re 13 & 9) and I love seeing pictures of him with them.

I moved 3000 miles away 15 years ago and I haven’t seen him in person in probably a decade give or take a few years. I literally can’t remember when, but I’m so grateful to social media for letting us stay part of each other’s lives so easily.

I told him recently that I am so grateful that he was my bonus brother. That I could ask for perspective and advice from him as an older brother when I didn’t want to go to my older brothers on a topic (he gave me great advice about Las Vegas once). That we bonded over fan fiction and things.

He’s been such a wonderful addition to our lives, and when I think of growing up (and New Hampshire) I think of him alongside my own brothers.

It’s been a rough year for him and his family. It’s been a really rough couple of weeks. It’s about to be a very hard next season.

Alan was diagnosed with stomach cancer in January, had major surgery in April, and in September he received word his condition is terminal - his doctor told him he has days or weeks left. He’s in hospice, but still with us thankfully as I write this. I hope he’s able to outlast expectations.

This is devastating all of us. This is a huge looming loss.

He has a wife and two young daughters and both blood and chosen family that loves him. So many friends, so much community.

I’m taking it pretty hard, but I’m also a wreck thinking of his family, and of my own brothers. He’s been so close to them for so long. This is a member of our family. He deserves so much more time.

He let his wider community know on Facebook last month, and invited us to share memories or messages we want him to see before he is gone.

He’s profoundly brave, to let us in, and say goodbye and give us a chance to do so.

I’ve been reading his Facebook, and the stories his loved ones keep posting are so amazing to read (and remind me of more memories), and he’s been replying when he has the energy. He’s keeping things so positive and loving. He is still out trying to make memories with his daughters right now. I shared my own comments about memories and wishes on his post and private messages with him too. He’s replied to validate me and express his gratitude and love and joy in having me in his life.

At least every other day, Judd keeps walking into rooms to find me reading the posts and comments and crying. It’s a year and a half after the one-two punch of losing my bird Petrie and my friend Tiffany in the same week and it’s heartbreaking. Too much too close.

Alan is making the best of a bad situation - the unluckiness of this diagnosis combined with the luck to get to say goodbye. We won’t all get that second part when our own time comes. And many still avoid saying it. He’s showing incredible bravery and strength and dignity. I respect him and love him so much for who he is and how he translates it all in such a hard experience.

Thinking back on losing some other wonderful folks too young, and which ones knew how I felt about them and which ones might not have known how much I care, it really reminds me that life is both short and long in moments, and we need to seize it and own it and also never leave a question as to whether we love or cherish someone when we do. We don’t know when they might leave us, and they deserve to know how much we care.

Please don’t leave important things unsaid.

Relatively few of my friends or online followers know Alan, but his story as a steadfast brother (and husband, father, son, friend), joyful nerd, and incredibly brave human deserve to live on long beyond him. You’re never fully gone when your influence and love continue to ripple on in those you touched.

Alan gets to be wrapped up in an absolute avalanche of love and support right now and I wish that could give him more quality time with his family and friends and all of us.

I suspect this outpouring of love has increased the quality of the time he has left, and when we can’t give someone more time, we can at least make it better spent and filled with gratitude and love.

Alan, thank you so much for being an incredible bonus big brother to me, and for everything you gave *my* brothers. You made them even better big brothers to me, I’m sure if it (and they were already and still are the best a girl could have). I love you so much.

I hope Alan gets as much time as possible with the least amount of pain as possible to soak up every moment with his wife Amelia, and his daughters Eleanor & Ginevra, and everyone who has a chance to see him. I wish I could give him one more hug. I wish I had a photo of us together.

Alan has often joined my family at dinner - this is my brother Lars, Alan, my mother and my brother Ragnar (left to right) maybe a year or two ago. I don’t have a single photo with Alan, so this is the closest thing I have to show how close he is in my life.

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As I write this, it’s the day before my birthday. I turn 38 tomorrow.

I know friends and loved ones like to send me gifts, and that’s lovely, but some years on Facebook I do a donation link to a cause I care about.

In honor of my birthday, and in honor of Alan’s life, I’d like you to please tell someone how much you love them. Tell them something you would want them to know, if you knew suddenly that time was up. They deserve to know in life.

Also - Alan’s family is a bit more private that I am - friends have been passing around a donation link to Paypal & Venmo to assist his family, but it’s all friends-only and private posts, and I don’t want to expose their contact information on the internet when I’ve got a much broader (and weirder) audience, but I know how generous some of you have been to me and others in the past.

If you would be interested in contributing towards a meal, or just helping in any small amount to mitigate their rising expenses, please feel free to email me at avens@substack.com to receive a direct Venmo or Paypal link for them, or you can send it to me on Venmo or Paypal with the note “Alan” and I’ll pass it along.

It’s a weird month. There’s lots of political turmoil, current event mayhem, my dear friend is literally dying, and meanwhile tomorrow’s my birthday, my other friend just had a baby, my business is doing incredibly well, and I have so much to be grateful for even in the chaos.

I realize this is life, and it only keeps getting faster and more extreme as it goes, but in this moment I sit down and raise a glass to Alan. He truly is one of the best, and I’m grateful he gets to know it before he goes.